Blog #17: Discovering a New Guy

Jeff Schwartz

Blog #17: Discovering a New Guy

July 27, 2010

Last night I attended an Akron Aeros baseball game with my grandfather. Throughout the course of the game I sat and discussed the game of baseball with him. As much fun as that is, I was quite horrified by my surroundings. In the last few years a number of “guys” have become apparent, as referred to on the Jim Rome Show. Softball guy, bachelor party guy, golf guy, gym guy, fantasy sports guy, you all know them. But last a new, scary, totally out of control “guy” came to the forefront, “Sports Event Guy.” This guy is the worst of them all. He’s usually forty and up, single, no kids, never married, and overweight. While you might think that’s a lot of people out there, “Sports Event Guy” has a few distinctive traits that makes him an awful human being. There’s also different categories to “Sports Event Guy,” making this “guy” the worst of the worst.

Let’s first start out with the idea that “Sports Event Guy” sings along to every rally cry played over the public address system at the ballpark. If the loud phrase of “Day-O!” is played, this goof yells along to it, every single time without fail. He’ll also scream at the pitcher as if the pitcher can hear every word he says. For instance, the inspiration for this “guy” kept screaming “Pitcher has a big butt!” and then laughing at it, like it was a great and creative insult. It’s a line from a movie aimed at kids, not forty year old single men. A good heckle is something that gets everyone else to laugh, not yourself.

“Sports Event Guy” also suffers from a disease I’d like to call “Repeat-phrase-itus.” An example would be last night, this buffoon using the term “I almost got it,” every time a foul was hit into the stands in any section of the stadium. Or the fact that when a foul ball was hit out of the stadium he’d yell “I hope it doesn’t hit my car.” Sir, I hope every ball fair or foul somehow hits your car.

While “Sports Event Guy” is totally out of control, there’s nothing more bothersome to me than an adult who brings his baseball glove to a game. I understand being a kid and being all fired up to attend a game. I brought my glove along many times as a child to the game. After all as a kid what could be cooler than catching a foul ball or a homerun, probably not much. As an adult however, upon catching the ball or making a fool of yourself while trying to snag the ball you end up on ESPN, and that’s not good for anybody. Almost assuredly, when you’re an adult and you bring your glove to the game, you look like a clown. This alleged adult brought his glove and his five children to the game. A nice family outing, except dad spent the entire night joking around with loud obnoxious guy leaving my grandfather and me in the middle of the battlefield. Upon each foul ball hit, “Baseball Glove Adult Guy” tried to clear a path like a fullback does for a running back in the NFL. He was unsuccessful every attempt to shag a fly ball into our section.

To all of my readers, please do not think “Sports Event Guy” is only applicable to men. Oh no, not even close. There’s also a female version, who sat directly behind me last night. Between rooting for both teams to score and gossiping about their fellow employees’ hips being too wide, I’d venture to say these two women took a wrong turn somewhere. I’d go as far as saying these two women should be permanently banned from attending any event I do. High pitched screaming, and loud conversations that would be better served occurring at a Starbucks do not belong at baseball games on a warm summer night.

Those that know me know I am not a people person. In fact I am proud to dislike everyone that doesn’t come with a recommendation. Almost assuredly when I am at a sporting event there will be someone around me that is clearly dislikable. It never disappoints. Be it drunk guy, loud guy, adult who never gives up the dream guy, or even teenager guy who feels the need to toss his popcorn at elderly devoted fan guy for no reason, it’s always consistent. “Sports Event Guy” is a part of the greatness that comes with attending a live sporting event. But that’s no reason he has to act like a complete tool.