Random Acts of Commentary: Some People Are Just Completely Stupid

Jeff Schwartz

Random Short Commentary: Some People Are Just Completely Stupid

July 29, 2010

Some people just like to make a statement. That’s cool. That’s also respectable. But there are always lines drawn in the sand where the person making a statement comes off as an idiot. Maybe this guy missed the memo or “The Decision.” Maybe he’s just a tool looking for attention but Matt Bellamy you’re going to become my victim after this blog. Why you chose to show up to an Indians vs. Yankees game in a #6 LeBron James Miami Heat jersey I will never know. Are you an idiot? Are you looking to get killed? The Self-Titled King doesn’t even have the stones to do that. Art Modell hasn’t been back here since 1996. Not only did this buffoon put himself in harm’s way, he also put his girlfriend in harm’s way. Buddy, if you’re stupid enough to put yourself out there, you should at least consider protecting your girlfriend.

Per http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/2010/07/too-soon-cleveland-frowns-exclusive-guy.html Matt Bellamy is from Sandusky, he’s been pistol whipped before and sports a scar from it. Matt, you’re a loser. You’ll be a loser for the rest of your life. Based upon the pictures and videos I’ve viewed at the Cleveland Frowns link, you’re just a loser. It’s amazing the fans last night were as kind to you as they were. You’re lucky you made it out of there with your life. You’re lucky your girlfriend was not victimized more than she was. Had this been a Cleveland Browns game, your fate would have been a whole lot different.

Blog #17: Discovering a New Guy

Jeff Schwartz

Blog #17: Discovering a New Guy

July 27, 2010

Last night I attended an Akron Aeros baseball game with my grandfather. Throughout the course of the game I sat and discussed the game of baseball with him. As much fun as that is, I was quite horrified by my surroundings. In the last few years a number of “guys” have become apparent, as referred to on the Jim Rome Show. Softball guy, bachelor party guy, golf guy, gym guy, fantasy sports guy, you all know them. But last a new, scary, totally out of control “guy” came to the forefront, “Sports Event Guy.” This guy is the worst of them all. He’s usually forty and up, single, no kids, never married, and overweight. While you might think that’s a lot of people out there, “Sports Event Guy” has a few distinctive traits that makes him an awful human being. There’s also different categories to “Sports Event Guy,” making this “guy” the worst of the worst.

Let’s first start out with the idea that “Sports Event Guy” sings along to every rally cry played over the public address system at the ballpark. If the loud phrase of “Day-O!” is played, this goof yells along to it, every single time without fail. He’ll also scream at the pitcher as if the pitcher can hear every word he says. For instance, the inspiration for this “guy” kept screaming “Pitcher has a big butt!” and then laughing at it, like it was a great and creative insult. It’s a line from a movie aimed at kids, not forty year old single men. A good heckle is something that gets everyone else to laugh, not yourself.

“Sports Event Guy” also suffers from a disease I’d like to call “Repeat-phrase-itus.” An example would be last night, this buffoon using the term “I almost got it,” every time a foul was hit into the stands in any section of the stadium. Or the fact that when a foul ball was hit out of the stadium he’d yell “I hope it doesn’t hit my car.” Sir, I hope every ball fair or foul somehow hits your car.

While “Sports Event Guy” is totally out of control, there’s nothing more bothersome to me than an adult who brings his baseball glove to a game. I understand being a kid and being all fired up to attend a game. I brought my glove along many times as a child to the game. After all as a kid what could be cooler than catching a foul ball or a homerun, probably not much. As an adult however, upon catching the ball or making a fool of yourself while trying to snag the ball you end up on ESPN, and that’s not good for anybody. Almost assuredly, when you’re an adult and you bring your glove to the game, you look like a clown. This alleged adult brought his glove and his five children to the game. A nice family outing, except dad spent the entire night joking around with loud obnoxious guy leaving my grandfather and me in the middle of the battlefield. Upon each foul ball hit, “Baseball Glove Adult Guy” tried to clear a path like a fullback does for a running back in the NFL. He was unsuccessful every attempt to shag a fly ball into our section.

To all of my readers, please do not think “Sports Event Guy” is only applicable to men. Oh no, not even close. There’s also a female version, who sat directly behind me last night. Between rooting for both teams to score and gossiping about their fellow employees’ hips being too wide, I’d venture to say these two women took a wrong turn somewhere. I’d go as far as saying these two women should be permanently banned from attending any event I do. High pitched screaming, and loud conversations that would be better served occurring at a Starbucks do not belong at baseball games on a warm summer night.

Those that know me know I am not a people person. In fact I am proud to dislike everyone that doesn’t come with a recommendation. Almost assuredly when I am at a sporting event there will be someone around me that is clearly dislikable. It never disappoints. Be it drunk guy, loud guy, adult who never gives up the dream guy, or even teenager guy who feels the need to toss his popcorn at elderly devoted fan guy for no reason, it’s always consistent. “Sports Event Guy” is a part of the greatness that comes with attending a live sporting event. But that’s no reason he has to act like a complete tool.

YouTube Link of the Week: MVP Puppets Commercial

While I usually don't want to post more than one video a week (This site is about my written word not someone else's video), I had to post this one. It's not family appropriate and it's most certainly something anyone with a twitter account should tweet at LeBron James (@kingjames). It's the least I could do to remind the self-glossed Chosen One, that he's just a normal human being and that his holier than thou attitude needs to be kept in check.

Listen closely for the words of the puppet.

Preposterous Video #2: King Nothing

As part of my crusade to crush the self-anointed, narcissistic king and make him as valueless as possible, I present the following video courtesy of WMMS 100.7FM. It's very clear what's coming in the future as these videos are just going to get more nasty, and impactful. It's going to get very personal too. You never forget when someone turns their back on you and stabs you in the heart.

Blog #4: Tiger Woods, LOL I’ll Pretend You Stuck to Playing 18

Jeff Schwartz

Blog #4: Tiger Woods, LOL I’ll Pretend You Stuck to Playing 18

July 3, 2010

For fans of the sport is there anything more thrilling than a battle between two golfers on Sunday coming up toward the eighteenth green? A little under two years ago I relished the moments that Tiger Woods and Rocco Mediate shared the lead at the U.S. Open played at Torrey Pines, ending in a playoff on Monday. That was sports drama, that was compelling television, and that was what big time competitive athletics is all about. As I type this blog Tiger Woods is sitting at +3, good as a tie for 49^th place while playing in a tournament that he’s the current reigning and defending champion (AT&T National). What in the hell has happened to a golfer who was viewed as the Michael Jordan of his sport?

We can beat the issue into the ground, but the most pertinent issue Woods is facing is not the plethora of whores, skanks, ho’s, and Perkins’ waitresses he’s slept with behind his wife’s back. It’s not the potential 750 million dollars his wife may be taking in a divorce settlement. Shockingly it’s not even the firing of former swing coaches Butch Harmon and Hank Haney. The biggest issue facing Woods is his mental approach to the game of golf is spent. At almost 35, Woods is physically beat and his swing has taken a turn for the worse. Mentally Tiger Woods is at his wits end on the golf course and in his personal life.

I certainly am not one to judge someone I’ve never met but what I can say watching Woods on the golf course each week is no longer the epic event it used to be. His swing has fallen off, gone are the powerful bursts as Woods shifted his hips. There’s no force behind the best golfer of his generation. His family is in shambles; his game might just be worse off. I can’t honestly ever see Woods regaining his form on the course. When I began playing the game of golf as a child, I was always told to square my shoulders with my feet. I check that out before every single swing I take. Tiger Woods doesn’t even do that anymore, it looks like he just doesn’t care.

You judge an athlete not by his actions on the course, floor, court, pitch, or field but by the look in his eyes. There is no fire in the eyes of Tiger Woods. None, at all. His eyes are empty, his dark skin is pale. When the day comes that I can see the fire in Woods eyes, the passion that it takes to win any competition return, I for one will be thrilled. I don’t root for Tiger Woods, I never have. But I do root for compelling drama in all sports.

Had Woods stuck to what he knew, the game of golf instead of fraternizing with females who’d be voted most likely to be a stripper in high school I wonder if his game would have remained as dominant as it was. It’s a similar conundrum to the notion that had Michael Jordan not gone off to play baseball for a year would he have won nine straight championships instead of six. Had Woods kept his head down and focused on golf and not fired Butch Harmon in 2003 would he have already broken Jack Nicholas’s major tournament wins record? It’s certainly possible.

To me there are so many factors that have led to Tiger’s problems. Getting married, having children, firing coaches, social contacts with people like Charles Barkley, firing coaches, and sexing it up with random broads could all be contributors. While never commenting on his problems, Woods would likely blame none of those as factors. That’s why he should have stuck to playing his 18 holes of golf each week, and moved on to the next one. If Tiger Woods truly wanted to be the best, he’d ignore everyone else and refine his approach. Clearly what he’s doing now does not work.